The grass is always greener...

It seems like such a huge step.
It seems like an insurmountable task.
I get nervous even thinking about it.
I'm ready books about people's journeys and they seem so hard. They also seem slightly out of my league. They have found giving up hard even without the added pressure of mental or physical illness. They seem to be financially secure, with well established social lives and successful partners. Maybe that was a side of their stories that they choose not to write about but it makes me feel nervous and insecure. I have a lot on my plate. I've just added one more thing.

I wrote this on day three. I've had a few nights of brilliant sleep since and it doesn't seem so insurmountable. Sleep is an amazing thing.

The wine witch made an early appearance.

One day in and I'm already questioning myself. I woke up this morning and one of my first thoughts was," Is this really necessary. Do you really have to give up completely?"
I lie there think about it for a while. Am I being melodramatic? Is it really a problem? Then I read over yesterday's entry. I remember (or rather I remind myself ) that I cannot drink moderately. It's always a full bottle and more often than not, two bottles of wine. I realise the voice in my head could be the 'wine witch' that I have read about. * AND ITS ONLY NINE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. It's ridiculous, I've given up drinking for months at a time and my resolve was never as shaken as it is today, a mere day after saying, 'That's it for good this time."
I think , "Am I being melodramatic (wouldn't be like me!)? Am I just doing this to get attention?" Ummmmmm hello, I'm writing an ANONYMOUS blog?  Don't get me wrong, I know that I want attention in the form of support but this is hardly the thing I'm ready to start talking to my friends in real life about.
God, what am I really afraid of?

*.    "...the wine witch. That’s the pet name I’ve given to the voice that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my brain, which turns even the most solid of resolutions into dust, whispering things like ‘Look! There’s only a small amount left in the bottle. You might as well finish it, or it’ll go off!’ Or ‘She’s poured a WAY larger glass for herself than she’s poured for you. Tip another slug in while no one’s watching.’ The wine witch is a great fan of the concept of ‘me time’. ‘It might be only 5 p.m., but you’ve had a hard day. You’ve spent all day being bossed around by people under the age of twelve and now it’s grown-up time. You’ve earned it.’ And the killer: ‘Everyone else is doing it too …’ "  An extract from,  The Sober Diaries by Claire Pooley

A tiny fish in a huge pond.

Sobriety.
Mental Health.
Sewing (botching really but sewing sounds better).
Physical illness.
Parenting.
Therapy.


I have many many thoughts about all of the above, all the time.

 I often read other people's work and think, "Yes! That's exactly what I think, it's so good/such a relief/so encouraging to know that I am not the only one. I would love to reach out and share and connect like that. I could start blogging too. I've been thinking about it for long enough "

Then the small but loud and persistent, voice starts butting in. "What's the point? So many people do it and so,so,so SO many of them are way better that I am or ever could be? (Also, I hear that it's all about "vlogging" now and that is totally beyond me!) Why would you even think you could do something like that. Why would you think that anyone could ever be interested in anything you have to say?"

It's a horrible way to talk to yourself, I know. I also know it's stronger than me in a lot of ways but sometimes it can be tricked. For example, this isn't really a blog,  it is a tool to help me to clarify my thoughts on a very personal journey. At best to will be a therapeutic tool. At worst, it will help me brush up on very poor keyboard skills. Does it matter if no one reads it? Well yes, but maybe I can soften the blow by pretending, for a while at least, that it doesn't matter.

Why did I start today though? Well, today is the day that I bite the bullet. The stopping drinking bullet. No one reads as many books, blogs or articles on Sobriety unless it is something that they have a clinical interest in or, deep, deep down, they know is something that they really want to do. I would have said, 'had" to do but that wouldn't be accurate. This is something that I actually want to do for myself. I want to do it but I am afraid of doing it. I'm afraid of letting go and saying out loud, to the world that I am not drinking anymore.I'm afraid of being judged. "Wow, she must have some sort of problem." Or "Oh my god, that is so embarrassing. She must have some real issues with drink." Or WORST OF ALL, "How boring is she?"
Don't get me wrong, I could easily say, "yes, I have to do it for my health" (True). Or," I really shouldn't drink when I'm on my medication" (also True) Or, "It will help me lose weight which I also need to try for health reasons "(Another Truth). However, those things have been true for years now and really haven't made a blind bit of difference. No, the truth is that, although it may not be apparent, I have a problem. I can't just have one drink. I might go off it for ages but even then, if it's days or weeks in between, I don't just have one. I have a bottle or two. On occasion I may exercise restraint but it is always incredibly difficult and always involves a hell of a lot of will power and distraction.

I think it will help to put my intention out there. It will help to talk, even if only to myself. It will help me to look at words in black and white and say, "Yes."