A tiny fish in a huge pond.

Sobriety.
Mental Health.
Sewing (botching really but sewing sounds better).
Physical illness.
Parenting.
Therapy.


I have many many thoughts about all of the above, all the time.

 I often read other people's work and think, "Yes! That's exactly what I think, it's so good/such a relief/so encouraging to know that I am not the only one. I would love to reach out and share and connect like that. I could start blogging too. I've been thinking about it for long enough "

Then the small but loud and persistent, voice starts butting in. "What's the point? So many people do it and so,so,so SO many of them are way better that I am or ever could be? (Also, I hear that it's all about "vlogging" now and that is totally beyond me!) Why would you even think you could do something like that. Why would you think that anyone could ever be interested in anything you have to say?"

It's a horrible way to talk to yourself, I know. I also know it's stronger than me in a lot of ways but sometimes it can be tricked. For example, this isn't really a blog,  it is a tool to help me to clarify my thoughts on a very personal journey. At best to will be a therapeutic tool. At worst, it will help me brush up on very poor keyboard skills. Does it matter if no one reads it? Well yes, but maybe I can soften the blow by pretending, for a while at least, that it doesn't matter.

Why did I start today though? Well, today is the day that I bite the bullet. The stopping drinking bullet. No one reads as many books, blogs or articles on Sobriety unless it is something that they have a clinical interest in or, deep, deep down, they know is something that they really want to do. I would have said, 'had" to do but that wouldn't be accurate. This is something that I actually want to do for myself. I want to do it but I am afraid of doing it. I'm afraid of letting go and saying out loud, to the world that I am not drinking anymore.I'm afraid of being judged. "Wow, she must have some sort of problem." Or "Oh my god, that is so embarrassing. She must have some real issues with drink." Or WORST OF ALL, "How boring is she?"
Don't get me wrong, I could easily say, "yes, I have to do it for my health" (True). Or," I really shouldn't drink when I'm on my medication" (also True) Or, "It will help me lose weight which I also need to try for health reasons "(Another Truth). However, those things have been true for years now and really haven't made a blind bit of difference. No, the truth is that, although it may not be apparent, I have a problem. I can't just have one drink. I might go off it for ages but even then, if it's days or weeks in between, I don't just have one. I have a bottle or two. On occasion I may exercise restraint but it is always incredibly difficult and always involves a hell of a lot of will power and distraction.

I think it will help to put my intention out there. It will help to talk, even if only to myself. It will help me to look at words in black and white and say, "Yes."